Should I just play along? Or stop pretending? | The Lesbian Question

Should I just play along? Or stop pretending?

I?m turning 22 years old this year but I am still in-the-closet gay girl. And this has been bugging me since forever. Living in a society where being gay/lesbian/bi/trans is a taboo (I?m from Malaysia), it?s very hard for me to accept the fact that I like girls. I am currently in a relationship with a guy, a very nice guy, he hasn?t done anything else except for loving me, but I still think there?s something missing in our relationship. In fact, I had been with four other guys before him. And I was always the one asking for break up, simply because I don?t feel the connection between us anymore. I feel like the only time that I ever cared for someone (a girl) so much is when I was 19. We started off being best friends, we hanged out almost everyday,and I eventually became too attached to her. Realized that I had feeling for her I started to push myself away because I was scared at that time, of this so-called inappropriate feelings toward her. It?s a taboo, so I was trying my hardest to not proceed with that (my 19 years old thinking). I made up lies on why I can?t we can?t be friends anymore. I made her hate me so much. So we got into a fight and that ended our friendship. Only recently I?ve told her the real reason why I did that and she seemed okay with it at first. But I then found out that she can?t accept that I had feelings for her and thought that I was joking. And surprisingly, it hurts. It hurts so much that she didn?t understand what I?ve gone through, fighting against my feeling, alone w/o anybody to talk to. I?ve always thought that it was just a phase in life but I don?t know bout that now. I?ve been hanging out with some of my gay friends and I envy them because they can truly live life by just being themselves. While I?m still figuring out whether to just play along, stay ?straight? and live a normal life as everybody around me expected, or for once, to stop pretending, and live life the way I?ve always wanted. Help me!

Source: http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2012/07/31/should-i-just-play-along-or-stop-pretending/

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