According to statistics, step-families are the fasting growing type of family in the UK, making up 10 per cent of all families with dependent children. In 2001 there were 631,000 step-families with dependent children in England and Wales, of which 346,000 were married and 285,000 were cohabiting.
It has been estimated that there are now more reconstructed families than nuclear families and men are becoming increasingly likely to be living with other men's children whilst their own grow up else where. Due to the fact that the majority of children stay with their mother following a divorce or separation, most step families have a stepfather as opposed to a stepmother.
Being part of a blended family brings its intricacies. Two people with differing parenting skills (one parents wants their children in bed by 8pm, the other parent doesn't mind if their children are in bed by 9 or 10pm), and different ways of approaching life and living together can invite unnecessary tension.
Parents tend to be less flexible when it comes to another person's children as well and this can cause issues too. If one parent is being more lenient and giving favours to their own children but not to their spouse's kids this can cause conflict.
Life as a blended can be a minefield of errors, trials and tribulations. ?All too often I see blended families falling apart under the pressure of trying to live as one. What goes for one doesn't go for another and there is an underlying level of tension that exists constantly. This kind of prolonged tension can cause even the sturdiest of relationships to break down.
How to be as effective as possible:
The most successful step families are those that function as much as a unified unit as possible. The two adults need to maintain a united facade and communicate regularly about expectations. Discipline for all children should be the same and adults must make time for family issues to be discussed with everyone. They should also take regular time out for them to connect as a couple without the added tension of family life every now and then.
Work towards the good of the whole family, rather than trying to keep score of individual misdemeanours. Positive effective behaviour works towards the positive long term outcomes rather than magnifying each and every event that does not fulfil existing expectations of how the family 'should' be together.
Let go of minor issues and live with the intention of creating as much freedom for eveyone in the house, yet within certain boundariess. This is the most effective parenting style - authoritative NOT authoritarian.
Learn to pick your battles and nurture a happy, relaxed, welcoming home that everyone feels happy to return to at the end of each day.
Mandy X
All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.
Source: http://counsellingandtherapy.blogspot.com/2012/11/stepfamiliesblended-families.html
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