I need the strength to remain constant in improving my life. I truely do not want to revert back to having no confidence, lack of self esteem and fearing reality. Some days it?s tough but I never fully revert back. I try to make a little progress daily. I never sweat over small things anymore because it won?t really matter in 5 years so why worry about it? But on most days it?s like, ?Hey, I want to bring change in my life.?I?ve tried to do it so now it?s time to just sit back.? But no, it isn?t like this. It?s tough to not be lukewarm. I have to carve these ideals and decisions onto my heart and work towards living by them. It?s not a one time thing. It?s something that must be built and worked upon every day. Oddly enough, when I?m using the bathroom at work or waiting for the bus?I am think to myself, ?This?will be my life for the rest of my life.? Meaning, being confident and working towards a better lifestyle is something that will not just last today but tomorrow and the next day as well.
There are days where I feel frustrated because I wish I had a guide to live my life. As you know, I?ve been reading a lot of self improvement blogs which have all been very helpful. I especially?like this one.?The writing reminds me of the style used over at the AJATT page.?But what is self improvement and working towards being a better human being than just religion with all the BS mythology and ceremonial garbage stripped away? I try to keep myself focused at the beginning of the day. My starting point is the list I?ve made to work towards changing my life. I have them printed and posted on my bulletin board. I read them every morning as a reminder. I?ve added one more. Act natural. Be yourself. People will judge you no matter what you do.
As you know, I live and work in Japan. I don?t know why I have this problem but I always feel self conscious about leaving my workplace. It?s not just me but others that I?ve talk to feel the same way. It?s just rather unnatural and out of the ordinary for people from a western culture. Well, if you?re not aware in Japan you pretty much greet everyone when you get to work. So when I get to work I usually greet everyone with a hearty GOOD MORNING. That?s fine. I can do that. But when I have to leave is the problem. It?s just I leave way earlier than all the other teachers and just announcing I?m leaving makes me feel like I?m bothering everyone else. It?s a cultural thing to announce when you leave but it just makes me self conscious.
I?m frustrated. There are many times I want to just scream because reading Japanese in the instances that I?m trying to move into like articles, journals and other things pushes me out of my comfort zone. It pushes my knowledge of the language. And it?s frustrating when things just don?t connect. It ranges from 100% to getting what is going on but the words are fully understood. Then there are instances where I?m just reading test on a page with no understanding. I know all the words on the page but for whatever reason it just is connecting and it?s frustrating. I just want to coast in all instances. It?s been three years. But with my ?failures? there have been great gains too. It?s easy to forget the things that are easy and to remember every instance I staggered and felt like I?m not getting this.
The problem is no one wants to feel stupid, like a failure, or like they?re messing up. For me, I would hold onto my mistakes and failures much after they were done. But I?ve realized that feeling stupid or out of place isn?t a bad thing. I feel that we all as a society look at it too negatively. Like pain, failure too is only temporary. What is failure but a chance to learn and grow?
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Source: http://kojikatsuragi.wordpress.com/2012/07/16/frustration/
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